Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

You are here: X

Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'

Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"

Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!

I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....

U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!

Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

Mind intentionally left blank...

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

Born Free........Taxed to Death.

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.